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Tuesday, 18 August 2015 at 05:04 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Can't sleep, too much on my mind. Slept so much past few days, ate so little and I've not done much either. The fuck up with the corner cupboard was tidied away and hidden, and now I'm scared to go back to it in case he's not through with me. Doctor says my everything is normal on my blood tests but I'm not sure. Too many signs that my testosterone might be too high or my hormones are not right. Compromised emotional state is only one of those that concerns me. My health also concerns me. Had symptoms that I'm not sure is caused by anxiety or, well all my symptoms are caused by anxiety. Money too, not sure how long I can survive unemployed but everything I try, short of whoring myself out, doesn't seem to reap rewards. I do the courses, follow their advice and yet I continue to come up empty. I get frustrated when I they do courses on writing CVs. These are ridiculous as every time I get told this ain't right, and yet six months ago an advisor from your company says that this is perfect. It's all nonsense to line their pockets from the government purse. How about instead of letting me loose with this "golden ticket, you send me for three or four job interviews instead. You're a job agency, you have companies on the books. But no, you're paid to have me sit in a classroom trying to remember what makes me a good employee. Frankly, I'm not confident enough to say that I am a good person to employee. I've been out of work too long and I'm damaged goods. Money can't buy happiness, they say, and they might be right. But peace of mind would be achieved with a lottery win. I wouldn't need to worry about trying achieve what feels like the impossible. Do you know, I don't even know what I want to do in life. I've chosen office work because I don't deal well with irregulars or customers. It's one of the reasons I liked warehouse work. No customers. So I apply for low skill jobs that will pay my bills and I get nowhere. And each time I wonder what the point is of all the courses and advice when it comes to naught. And people ask me why I'm depressed when I have a nice flat and nice stuff, but i have built my house on the sand and I'm just awaiting the tide.
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Thursday, 13 August 2015 at 20:51 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Kitchen is a fucking mess because of this project which is why I've not eaten properly! I need to get this cupboard done soon or I'm going to go insane!

Friday, 14 August 2015 at 11:09 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

So. Fucking.Close!!! Yet so fucking far away!

Friday, 14 August 2015 at 11:38 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

I'm reaching saturation point on this project. I have a bank of tolerance and patience when it comes to projects. I'm reaching my limit! My old self is leaching through. That old fashioned masculinity. I'm reaching that point where I want to break things to get things done. The brute force stage. I do not like this stage as this leads to the dark side of myself and I do not like my dark side! But I am reaching a limit! This panel was suppose to be one of the easiest and if one of the easiest panels is putting up a fight then the rest of the project will fight back simply because I'm already exhausted!

Friday, 14 August 2015 at 11:58 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

He came through, he beat me. And the panel still isn't in the right place! I have nothing left!

Friday, 14 August 2015 at 12:39 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

This project has beaten me. I am out of ideas and I'm out of tools to fix my own fuck ups! I'm tired, stressed, hungry and dirty! I am defeated. And now I have no fucking cupboard that I can actually use!

Friday, 14 August 2015 at 13:03 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Who the fuck am I kidding? The last 6 years of my life have been a joke! All I've been trying to do is bury Him! Nikki is a lie. I might as well admit it, I'm a fucked up, angry, depressed, useless ball of crap who deserves nothing more than swift death with a bullet to his fucking skull!

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Thursday, 6 August 2015 at 20:40 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

I'm in one of those moods today. And these moods are becoming more frequent, and it's proving to be increasingly frustrating.

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Wednesday, 5 August 2015 at 02:48 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Feeling kind of touchy feely twitchy tonight. Things with an edge to them or slightly rough. My fingernails, the metal but on my phone charger, the corner of my bed. It's keeping my mind buzzing like a hornet's nest. This and a desire to get drunk is rather irritating. Also a craving for both sweet and salty foods!

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Tuesday, 21 July 2015 at 22:28 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Dear unspecified deitity from an as yet unknown denomination, I your humble servant. Well actually, I'm an atheist so consider this an audition. I would like one night's sleep. I would like to wake well rested about 6pm. If you'd like to share your particular faith with me in a dream, I'll be sure to find the nearest building/cave/stone circle designated to your particular benevolence and as soon as I find a copy of particular book/scroll/tablet of your teachings, I shall commence worship! Deities requiring sacrifice of some sort, I don't do people or mutilation. Sorry. Please insert appropriate sign off here! Thank you.

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Hello again, Livejournal, my old friend. It's me, your awkward infrequent visitor. I know I don't come round much and when I do it's all about me, me, me. Sorry about that. This time is no different. Things on my mind as usual and no where to say it apart from here.

Before the end of last year I turned my back on a large chuck of myself. A large group of people I called friends. A social group that got me out of the house and meeting people. Some of those friends came with me but I no longer see them apart from on the social media. Our social circles don't really mix any more. And if I'm honest with myself, I don't really have much of a social life. I seem to have replaced it with a social media. Everything including my entertainment comes to me from the internet and like most things, I don't think this is healthy for me. I'm not sure it's healthy for most people.

But I have a problem. I created a void in my life last year when I walked away from kink and fetish, and I've not really found anything to fill it with. MOst of my interests keep me rooted at home. Books and baking! Don't need to go anywhere to fufill those hobbies, apart from the stores that fuel them. Even my interest in cycling has become a bore for me, to the point I have contemplated selling the bikes. Cycling use to have a purpose. It use to get me somewhere, even if that somewhere was to work. Sure, I'll take Camille to the shops if the weather is nice, but cycling has become about cycling in circles and that doesn't draw me in. I liked going places.

I tried going back to Dungeons and Dragons but the game has changed since I left and I couldn't connect with the people I played with. I don't know if this is my fault, I don't know if this is because I've changed as a person. The game still spellbinds me, so maybe I haven't found my crowd. Maybe it was the uncertaintity of the venue. The possibility might lie in the fact we wasn't playing what I recognized as Dungeons and Dragons. I don't know. But the world turned, the world changed, I changed and now I feel like an outsider again!

I do have my knitting and there is a nice little knitting circle that meets every fortnight for a couple hours. That's ok, I suppose.

But generally I spend most of my time fruitlessly searching for employment, and when I'm not doing that I spend the time in bed sleeping and reading. The sand in my lifetimer is pouring past and I'm wasting it. People say I should just go out and do something I like. There are gurus that say just grab life and explore! But I don't know what I want to explore. I don't know what I want to do. What do you advise someone who has no goals or interests, aside from those that root her to her home?

I use to want to go places, see places, but now I question why I wanted to see those places. I wanted to share places but I don't who I'd share them with and I don't know who'd be interested either. Does that mean I don't know my friends like I thought I did. That's depressing.

Writing this makes me realise how lonely I am. I'm surround by friends and family but I feel lonely. I feel like a stalker, a parasite in their lives.

So very alone....
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Saturday, 2 May 2015 at 16:55 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

I don't know if I've lost interest in everything lately, maybe it's a lack of motivation or plain old boredom! My DVD collection holds no interest for me, not motivated to bake or cook, can't get started on the knitting again. I'm slowly working my way through some new books. And the page on the world that appeals is facebook! Which is a sad state of affairs. I do not feel pretty or girly, and the idea of trying to change that feels like it would be a waste of time. I do not know why I bother anymore!

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Monday, 20 April 2015 at 17:24 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

You can tell I'm near my injection time as my mood swings are swinging towards the dangerously depressed and wildly violent! Not sure if I need my meds adjusted again but I have three weeks to my next injection! Oh well, I have booze now, so all is right in the world!

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Thursday, 19 February 2015 at 14:44 UTC

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

How does one confess one's sins? I have in my past said things not to be true about myself. I knew I was lying at the time I said those things and I could have stopped myself. But a part of me want to fit in with certain social groups, so I lied and I researched and I blended. Those lies became truths in mind and they were shared with other social circles. It became easy to lie to people then simply speak the truth. This has come to my thoughts most recently thanks to conversations with friends and counsellors. They call it adaptive social camouflage. In school I said I liked football and even started following a popular team. I think that's where I started to like F1 racing, now not so much! You learn to like things when you're trying to fit in. So many hobbies and interests have come and gone in part to this problem I have. I have started to rein in the problem online because it's easier to delete words spoken before they're shared by hitting the delete button. I need to start deleting my words in the real world. Rein things in, even if it makes me look foolish. I should point out that my emotions and feeling to those I have met along the way have been sincere and true. Those I have stuck by, and those that have stuck by me, I am proud and honoured to know you. Now I need to start being honest with the world. I have lived a dull and uninteresting life, in part. And I'm sorry I deceived some of you into liking me!

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Thursday, 12 February 2015 at 05:08 UTC

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Do you know that feeling when you wake up and the world feels weird, like it's taken two shifts right into another universe, but you can't quite put your finger on what's wrong. I woke up this morning and my glasses are broken. They were fine when I went to bed. I find a friend request from a good friend on here after her profile was nuked but it feels fake. Also, it feels like people have been in my flat as some things feel out of place, but nothing is missing or untoward. And people wonder why I think I'm crazy. I'm sure this onset early something or other!

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