Friday, 9 October 2015 at 06:22 UTC+01
Nikki Bishop updated her status.
I lie here, sleepless, again questioning my very existence and wondering why I should carry on down this path I've chosen. I wonder why I should take the next step that I plan on making when I feel the way I do. I feel the next step will help with the way I feel and know it's the right one, probably. But I still see him in the mirror, still hear him when I talk. People still use the wrong pronouns no matter what I wear or how I present. I resent talking to people, often choosing to ignore the phone. And yet my internal self can't help rambling on with lunacy and nonsense when given the chance. I'm better with the written form as it presents a neutral face. I want to crush my face into a ball, round off the rough edges. My face has always been my greatest foe. Lying in bed I don't have to deal with my face and I don't have to show it to the world. I want it to look like feminine and girly, and yet I don't know what that means to me but I know what I've got it isn't what I want. I try my best with the cosmetics to hand but it doesn't do enough and my skills aren't adequate! When I go to sleep, I send up a silent prayer that I'll slip away but atheist don't get their prayers answered! I am broken, I am flawed, I am beyond repair and I am paranoid! Not only was I given the wrong body and the wrong face, but I was given the wrong soul. Mind, matter and spirit are at war, and only mutually terminal destruction seems inevitable!