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I have something I want to say, something that's on my mind. (And this is usually the introduction to a long winded rant about something on my mind. I'm telling you this to allow you to run away early)
We are living in the age of our idols coming to age. The age where they look toward the next great adventure. An adventure that we can't share. No matter your beliefs, we all have our own ideas of the next life. Mine is a desert of black sand under moonlight. You can thank Terry Pratchett for that one, but I know the symbolism extends into many cultures. Terry Pratchett has shaped mine, literature is my religion. Where our heroes and heroines live on forever. It's not the standard practice but I am agnostic, so it's the best I've got. But like I was saying, this is often an adventure taken alone and we can't follow.
2016 has been a particularly horrendous year, though I suspect there has been other years where the crop of the Grim Reaper's harvest has been bountiful. Social media is an every day occurrence for most of us and so we get to hear of these passings and we get to share in the collective grief of the many.
I have mourned over people I barely knew, shed a tear without really knowing why it stings. And I fear we're all in for a rough ride over the next few years. We're living in the age of immortals reaching the end of their earthly life. These people we have lost shaped and grew with the new trends. Television, radio, cinema. With these trends we were entertained and educated. And not just musicians and the players on the “stage”, but scientists and politicians, teachers and entertainers of every ilk. They grew with these technologies, helped it grow and blossom. We clamoured for their words and their art form.
Sadly, now they have come of age and even they cannot run from the harshest performance anymore. They were young when they came to us back then, they are not so young anymore. We plead to swaddle the ones we have in bubble wrap and cotton swaddling to protect them, but let’s be honest, we can’t protect them forever.
The next few years will take a lot more and we’ll be left with the next generation of entertainers and they’ll pass too. It’s not going to get any easier I don’t think.

2016 has left me feeling burnt out and tired. My emotional state, a battleground at any other time, is feeling run down and abused. I hate myself for my emotions and my lack of control. I wish I could mourn for those I chose and ignore those that I had never heard of, but I am fragile and vulnerable to every R.I.P and GNU that I come across. I feel your pain and wish to comfort you all but I can’t.

As harsh as it sounds, for us to survive emotionally intact we are going to need to find new ways to grieve collectively. Social media has forced us to face the harshest of realities head on but we still grieve in the old ways. The ways before the internet shared everything in an instance and where we can all lament in unison at the cruel injustices of the world. We are all waiting for a bright new 2017 free of loss and heartaches, but let’s be honest here 2017 is going to be just as bad and we’re going to need to adapt before we become callous and hard in our hearts. I don’t have an answer and for that I am sorry.

To all that we have lost this year, either from our own lives or from the family of your fandom, may you Rest in Peace. You’ll live on for as long as we have your words, your voices and your wisdom. Thank you for sharing them with us.
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Friday, 30 October 2015 at 18:34 UTC

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

It's strange to feel a sense of achievement for helping a violent offender. I've always said it's not about the crime, nor the punishment but where Tara Hudson was to carry out that punishment. It came to light she has previous convictions, so expectedly she was given jail time. What bothered me the most about this story is the fact that she was sent an all male prison! And she's not the only one either. It saddens me to know that others are being similarly being mistreated and it saddens me that it took beauty to slay the silence over this! Tara is far advanced in her transition and she presents so much better than most, but she is one of us. Not from wealth or fame, just a transwoman trying to make it in the world.
I have done nothing though. Nothing really. I have copied and shared the petition and the news stories, and I have asked for your help. I have made myself sick over on Reddit trying to defend what I want. Which is for transwoman to have their gender recognized and to be treated correctly by the system! The current system is flawed and is in serious need of repair. Trans people shouldn't have to jump through hoops to be recognized and to be given a practically useless slip of paper in case they get their collar felt! That's the only time the GRC has any practical use. All my documents from my medical records to driving licence and passport say I am female. I say I am female. I may not be the most passable or prettiest of us but by (insert religious deity of choosing) I am female.
The real people who deserve the credit are those over on Bath Gender Equality Network and the ladies who stood up to be heard! I wish I could link their names here! #ISeeTara #TransLivesMatter

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Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 00:50 UTC

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Do you know what I'm so ashamed of the most. This makes me question who I am more and more. Seeds doubt about who I am, and my place in this world! I am no where near Tara in my appearance, and not even her can be recognized as female in the eyes of the Justice Department!


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Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 10:31 UTC

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Ugghhh, you know when I'm due for my jab because I get overly moody and more emotionally wired than normal! And I think it's at least four weeks away! I'm sure I'm not getting the injection right!

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Thursday, 12 March 2015 at 04:25 UTC

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

You know something, I trudge through this life one pointless day to the next. Contributing nothing to the world. I've sat and pondered as to what makes me happy, and I've realized that nothing truly does. Sure, I have my likes and interests but I can't put my finger on what makes me happy anymore. I go through life wondering what is the point of it all anymore. All I do is take, and I never seem to contribute. I make the gesture, play the role, but at the end of it all I am a broken cog. A pointless thing! I'm not even sure if wealth and stability, a chance to disappear, would improve my mood. I'm not even sure new experiences would even stir the soul. I want to disappear, fade away, but I can't. I don't know how to do that without resorting to the drastic. You sometimes wonder where the answer lies. Maybe we should be able to snuff out the candle without taboo. Make a ceremony of choosing to opt out. Celebrate one's achievments and accept that one has no more to contribute. Why do we drag the lowest in spirit up to where they feel inadequate, only to let them sink time and again? Why shouldn't my passing be the final burden I put upon this world, instead of expecting more to sustain a broken cog?

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Tuesday, 29 September 2015 at 02:47 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

You know what, I'm starting to get pissed off with the whole "let's get Nikki so tired but not let her sleep" malarkey. I feel like shit, I feel exhausted but I lie in the dark for hours staring at the inside of my eyelids going slowly mad. And people wonder why I'm a seething ball of nervous anxiety and insanity! It's because I can feel my skin vibrate with every beat of my heart, with every breath I hear voices in my own head. And my brain just won't switch off for five goddam minutes!


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Thursday, 17 September 2015 at 22:10 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

There is a lot to be said about a gesture especially it's meaning and intent. It appears I opened a can of worms when I mentioned wolf whistle incident. It doesn't happen to me often outside my social circle and I questioned it's meaning. Did I feel flattered? Not really. To be honest, I felt like someone was taking the mickey! I don't see myself as one of those women that usually get whistles and cat calls because I'm noticeably one of "those" women. Well that's how I see myself anyway. That's why I shared my experience. I'm sorry I seemed to have stirred the hornets' nest on the matter.

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Friday, 9 October 2015 at 06:22 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

I lie here, sleepless, again questioning my very existence and wondering why I should carry on down this path I've chosen. I wonder why I should take the next step that I plan on making when I feel the way I do. I feel the next step will help with the way I feel and know it's the right one, probably. But I still see him in the mirror, still hear him when I talk. People still use the wrong pronouns no matter what I wear or how I present. I resent talking to people, often choosing to ignore the phone. And yet my internal self can't help rambling on with lunacy and nonsense when given the chance. I'm better with the written form as it presents a neutral face. I want to crush my face into a ball, round off the rough edges. My face has always been my greatest foe. Lying in bed I don't have to deal with my face and I don't have to show it to the world. I want it to look like feminine and girly, and yet I don't know what that means to me but I know what I've got it isn't what I want. I try my best with the cosmetics to hand but it doesn't do enough and my skills aren't adequate! When I go to sleep, I send up a silent prayer that I'll slip away but atheist don't get their prayers answered! I am broken, I am flawed, I am beyond repair and I am paranoid! Not only was I given the wrong body and the wrong face, but I was given the wrong soul. Mind, matter and spirit are at war, and only mutually terminal destruction seems inevitable!

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Wednesday, 9 September 2015 at 14:47 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

What's the point of waking up each day to just repeat the same old nonsense every day. Why not sleep for 36hours and save money and resources. They say you should be that change, you're the catalyst to do something different but I don't know what else I want to do with my life apart from get a job. And that is proving easier said than done. What's the point in waking up at all when you know you're nothing but a drain on society?

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Monday, 5 October 2015 at 04:14 UTC+01

Nikki Bishop updated her status.

Once again, Nikki Bishop, queen of the Fuckitallup Village has once again managed to screw up another part of her fucked up sorry excuse for a life! I have have the shittiest midas touch since Midas himself! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! It's a good job I don't try to take my own life, I'd probably fuck that up too and make myself an even bigger figure of ridicule! Even the village idiot is a smarter individual than Nikki Bishop queen of Fuckitallup Village!

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